Haricot Verts

Who would have...

2011-07-24T20:37:00.000-05:00

Who would have thought that an incredible place to ride would be located here? Hard packed trails flowed following contours of the eroded valleys through mixed hardwoods.

The berms, the berms were everywhere and awesome. Not to mention that the
complementary soap at the cabins was perfect for all your washing needs.

My only regret was leaving a day early because I am a broken old man.

Smoked...

2011-07-20T13:22:00.012-05:00

Went to Castlewood last weekend and had a great time rolling around and watching people roll by me much faster. Riding that place a few times a year with it mix of rolling terrain, rock, roots, smooth single track and ups and downs keeps me happy.

The following week I went to another race and once again watched people roll by me much faster. However, the trails were flowing, smooth and way better than mowing my yard.

When I got the ecamper I was pretty happy and felt it was my last vehicle. Then I saw this. The dude driving it looked like Conan the Barbarian and, yes, he had the babe to match. I mean when was the last time you needed bulletproof glass? Last time I rode in Mid-Missouri. I am saving my pennies for one before the apocalypse.

Coffee + Pancakes =

2011-07-07T20:50:00.000-05:00

Coffee + pancakes = all day adventure. I tagged along with tour guide Crazy Nate and Pele who are training for this. Crazy Nate led us down gravel roads and trails to national forest.

The forest seemed tropical with dense undergrowth and thick moist air. The trails were decent for not seeing lots of traffic. Our guide (seen here waving while I cleared spider webs) said, "I do not remember this but it feels right."

No worries, spirits were high on the adventure. Then we got dumped out onto a splendid creek bottom and our guide pointed up stream and said "We just need to go down stream south."

Pele said, "You have no idea where we are do you?"

Crazy Nate said, "Oh yeah we are in Callaway County."

I said, "That narrows it down."

Sometimes it really does not matter where you are if you are spending the day exploring and having fun with friends. I like to getting lost from time to time. As the day wore on, swimming holes were found and eventually we all found our way home.

Where is your...

2011-07-05T18:51:00.001-05:00

"Where is your favorite place to ride?" Everyone gets this question, and I would just like to say that typically if I am riding, I am pretty stoked. I have been on great rides around my block with the neighborhood grommets dropping me on BigWheels. I have been on some loops 100's of times and am still really happy rolling around on them. New epic trails? Yep, usually having fun. Rain, snow and sleet with Elvis, Jesus and Santa have yielded great rides.

I first remember going to Landahl when suspension forks were filled with these.

Some sections of Landahl I have ridden a different line every time, even after 20+ times. I never get sick of Landahl.

Unrelated: Ten years ago the grill was only worthy of cooking meat. Now it has progressed to tortillas, and I might never be the same again. Summer rocks.

Exercise

2011-06-29T19:22:00.000-05:00

This Friday at MoJo's I will be working all five of my rusted and broken get-down muscles while embarrassing my wife who will claim not to know me. Don't blame her.

They have some mellower tunes which will let me rest my get-down muscles.

Over but not Out

2011-06-26T18:13:00.001-05:00

The Tetons were peaceful and splendid. Yellowstone is packed with freaky natural oddities. Like this very large semi-circle of people looking at a field of poop. There might have been a geyser in the middle, but I like people watching and this babe with a miniature replica of The Enterprise was way cooler than any geyser. I always forget my little replica Enterprise while watching people watching a field of poop.

I forget a lot of things. I still cannot remember what year Chula was born, and that is why she is always turning 23. However, I have the ability to remember single track for many years. It might be the soil, berms, turns or mountains. Maybe it was my dad, a navigator for the Air Force, who navigated around the world on planes using stars, planets and landmarks, teaching me triangulation and how to read maps when I was a grommet. Anyway I quickly found the single track from the SD50. It is one of those places that I really enjoy. Trees, roots, rocks, nice soil, berms, twisty single track and elevation change reminded me of trails I grew up riding in the mid-west except with more elevation change.

The Badlands in SD reminded me that I really hate heights. This ladder scared the crap out of me. The view was great but not worth it. The experience of climbing the ladder did not make me a stronger person for “overcoming” my fears; rather it reminded me that if something sounds or looks like I am not going to enjoy it, I should respect those feelings.

Home but not done yet

2011-06-17T14:23:00.002-05:00

We have returned but since I am "off the grid" (thanks Lawrasaurus) there are a few photos and things to recount. First off, after spending the last month basically outside, the last two days sleeping in a house and working inside have been really stuffy.
After SF we traveled north through Humbolt county in NorCal, or land of freaky big trees that had me feeling like every ride could turn in to this. In Portland I was blown out and did not get to explore as much as I wanted but this beer had my name all over it. Not to mention it supported one of my favorite record labels. Chula found this little gem: The bacon was not really there, but it sparked my new camping treat: greenbeans' smores (graham crackers coated with Nutella, then a layer of bacon with a roasted marshmellow in between).

We seemed to be trapped in a rainy and cold weather pattern so we got our winter vacation and summer vacation completed all at once. The roads were snowy but I still got out for some rides, and Chula would pick me up down the road. How awesome is that?

SF

2011-06-09T11:06:00.001-05:00

Picked up Chula in SF and one of the first stops was the ChinaBanks, but some dumbass forgot his useless wooden toy and had to settle for watching Chinese locals play some crazy card games and smoke. We strolled around SF gawking and wondering where to eat. The food was amazing, and what better way to top off lunch than with a cone of pork? Perfect dessert.

SF has something for everyone.

With all the energy drinks out there, I wanted to try something different The Bob Marley drink may have cornered the market on mellow drinks. Within an hour I was sleep on a park bench surrounded by Chinese locals playing cards. This really works.

After the Marley drink wore off it was off to the SFMOMA to see the amazing Stein Collection.

Chula is a bike ninja. While riding through the Muir Woods in the environs of one the self-proclaimed birth places of dirt biking, she quickly dropped me on the first climb. After the climb we were treated to a great

descent with panoramic views of the bay and coast.Then a quick ride across the Golden Gate Bridge

and off to a Giants game where we were treated to lots of local color.

Technical? It depends on who you ask

2011-06-02T12:42:00.000-05:00

Checked out the Sea Otter trails and was getting the 411 from a shop employee. He said this is a "very technical trail." I was thinking roots, rocks and steep terrain. This was it, you decide.

The trails were hard pack with a little loose sand in spots. There were some great berms for railing corners. It was one of those places where it made you want to ride fast, which is impossible for me, especially since my legs are still smarted from being a sherpa for the last week.

This was my favorite trail. I could ride it all day.

Flyer

2011-05-31T17:47:00.000-05:00

I beat the ranger was thinking “Sure let the guy from Missouri take a flyer.” So I arrived at Yosemite and was amped to get my back country permit for backpacking. The ranger was super helpful and friendly and did a great job of informing me off all the rules and helping organize my trip. I told him “I like to keep moving while backpacking and basically walk all day.” He had a loop that included 30 miles over three days which is not a heap but plenty if there is climbing. Climbing to the high country. I must thank my trainer, coach and friend for getting me on the program a few years ago when she said my hip bone density was like an 80 year old women. It paid off because the rangers that were sent up after me never caught me till I doubled back twice. Why did I double back? Nearing the peak the trail turn to deep snow and the trail was imposible to follow.

Then checking the map and doubling back and heading for another loop I soon encountered a stream that was running over my head with these falls shortly below. I started to head back and ran into some backcountry rangers that stopped me by name then requested my permit and gave me a quiz over back country equitte then asked me where I was going. I said the trails were snowed over and the creek was deep and they looked at each other and said “Yeah we have not sent anyone up here yet and figured we would come and check it out today.” So the ranger sent me on a flyer to see if the trails were open when they had no idea. So I asked them what I could do they said chill there or return. Looking around I decided to chill and spend my days in one spot. It was not what I had in mind but it was exactly what I needed.

Not a bad view

Reason number 7 why plants are awesome.

After spending time in the backcountry with no one but the rangers the first day I went to the valley but first waited through this.

I spent the next few days doing day hikes. Soon after snapping this picture I saw this. This is the first wild cat that has did not run when it saw me. Despite me grabbing a big stick and yelling it casually continued to hunt for rodents in the boulders while shooting me glaces that said "sure you could kick me like a dog but my cousin the mountain lion is going to kick your ass so back off "

My legs are totally cooked. They have not been this sore ever so I decided to leave the Sierras and head to Big Sur since Kerouac sparked my interest. From the mountains to the coast in a few hours. The trails this morning were wide and simple, which my legs needed, but the views were awesome.

Southern Sierras

2011-05-25T16:17:00.000-05:00

First off we would like to thank Crazy Nate who is watching our pets and house. We love our cat and are happy to report that there are cat lovers here in Southern California, so keep your eyes peeled.

My co-pilot had to return home for family fun but left me with a boat load of good food from Trader Joes because she knows that when I am left to my own devices I will ride myself into the ground. The southern Sierras were recommended by a trusted source. It has never been on my radar but as many place turn out to be it has fantastic dirt biking.

Day 1: Still crippled from the Flenners, I figured a spin around the 8 mile up and down race course of the Keysville Classic would help me recover. The trails ranged from wide open to twisting through rocky sections. There were several roller coaster sections that kept me grinning while the sandy soil had me drifting on a few corners.

Day2: I wanted to link together several rides for an all day ride. Maps of fire roads were sketchy at best so I left loaded with food and drinks. It started with a middle-ring logging road climb that started in dry heat and ended with snow patches, sleet and clouds at the top. Most locals (of course this does not included The Cripplers) recommended shuttling the climb but I just do not feel right riding down if I cannot haul myself to the top. I am even considering shuttling to the bottom of climbs so when I get old and can no longer climb I have some free rides to the top in the bank.

The climb was worth it with a big mountain descent through giant sequoias, ponderosa pines then to digger pines and oaks. As lower elevations approached wild flowers were in bloom and the meadows were awesome. The trail had great berms and flow. It was like a big mountain version of Kessler Run in Fruita or Chutes in Colorado Springs. Those of you not familiar with those rides think of a water slide but instead of water and a mat a bike and soil. Soil. The soil was like none other I have ever ridden at the top, perfect. Tires stuck with unlimited traction. Point the bike, lean the bike and it went exactly where you wanted it.

Day 3: Another epic all day ride with lots of climbing and descending but on different trails.

Day 4: Crippled again but had to spin the trails one more time because no telling when I will make it back. However, if anyone out there wants to plan a trip count me in, I volunteer to cook and will happily act as a tour guide.

Here is a photo for Best of the Ecamper on the logging roads. One car has passed in the 3 days while I have been at the camp.

Mt Baldy

2011-05-21T23:22:00.000-05:00

The experiences reported in this update are graphic in nature. Quit reading now if you do not want to be offended.

Walked to the starting area to watch the riders sign in for Stage 7 of the Tour of California. RadioShack was tossing out shirts for damage control. I waited for 5 minutes, but no shirt was tossed in my direction. Defeated, I asked Chula to try and get one and she got one immediately. After a few parade laps the pros headed to the mountains, and we got our bikes and took a direct route toward the top and set up a picnic in the shade. The leaders raced by.

Most of the riders had masks of pain on their faces and little conversation, like Hincapie.Oscar Freire was hanging his head.

I have heard of some crazy statements from pro and semi-pro cyclists. To paraphrase a few:
If I was not a pro cyclist I would have been a porn star. Probably true for him.
I did not dope; it was a vanishing twin. Sure man.
Substances from another organisms were not in my organs. check.
If I had transfused with blood from my dad, I would have tested positive for vodka. 10-4
I sure would like to losen him up with a pine cone. OK.

However, today a Leopard rider with a thick accent said to to a drunk group of spectators (and this is a quote): "I will suck your asshole if you give me a push." Was this a reward or a threat? This also might explain the team's kit design. Leopard is one classy team.

Some things never change

2011-05-20T15:23:00.000-05:00

The Crippler while always be The Crippler. Many years ago I recall searching rural gravel roads surrounding CoMo for the steepest climbs. Yesterday we rode Mt Baldy, and when we return to his place he showed me a book ranking the toughest climbs in the U.S., and Baldy was 5th with the last 10 miles at 7.6%. Key word here is the last.

As always The Crippler dissapeared into the mist and maze of switchbacks as soon as the pitch got steep.

The next morning we rode another part of the climb. The fireworks of our ride were predictable with The Crippler motoring away. Tomorrow's race to the top should provide some fireworks as the big boys tackle the climbs. Wonder if Horner is really going to be the best climber other than Contador. He should be concerned about The Crippler next year.

Return to normal

2011-05-19T11:37:00.000-05:00

Some of my hillbilly peeps have made it to California as you can see by their clever dormer and second story additions to the single wide.

Life improved dramatically while we were eating at a little Mexican restaurant, and Chula got the wrong order, and suddenly I had two dinners. The pickled spicy carrots in the bag were fantastic.

Got the bike and rolled through the mountains of Santa Monica yesterday.

Of course it involved cross training on a rope swing.

Hit up the skatepark which was deserted probably because I am the only skater that shows up before noon. Getting old has its benefits. Before you start criticizing the flat ground non-action photo, remember that my photographer found this park and patiently waited while I flailed around and tossed myself to the ground.

Inspired at the Getty, this is Haricot Verts Vagina Monologue.

Strange Lands

2011-05-15T12:32:00.000-05:00

Making our way through the desert, we stopped for a hike in Joshua Tree National Park. The Mormons named the tree because its branches reminded them of Joshua's arms outstretched to heaven. Then snotty scientists came along and called them Yucca brievifolia. The Chula Expedition of 2011 renamed it the Extraterrestrial Cheerleader Tree.

Recently finished reading this which brought me current with recent developments about biodiversity which was absolutely stunning in the desert and made hiking progress slow because I was stopping so often.

Our arrival to Southern California was confirmed when a man at the campground asked what we were looking for in the pool area. He casually read the morning paper in a disheveled California prison guard uniform. He had residual smears of bright red lip-stick, large hoop ear-rings and a pink bra poking out from the open work shirt. I like it here.

Big thanks to LtD, LA and Crazy Nate for getting me a replacement bike and soon I have ride reports and will not bore you cycling-centric folks with life dribble.

Spirt Animal

2011-05-13T16:39:00.000-05:00

Moving on marked scenic routes through the Sangre de Christo Mountains to the high desert where the bellies of the clouds are pink.

Stopped to see some Native American cliff dewellings that melded with the landscape, only to be followed by homes built on the reservations that look like the 'standard option' of subrban homes with beige siding and tan roofs. I was wallowing in self pity about losing the bike, but this reminded me that at least I did not lose a whole country. The next morning while doing my sun salutations, a raven flew by with a donut in its mouth. I took this as a sign from my spirit animal to move on and start hiking. The trails were mostly bare except for Europeans. Our American brethern stick to the IMAX where you can enjoy the secenry in air-conditioning with a big glup and popcorn.

Thieves suck.

2011-05-10T09:36:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a driving day that ended in an awesome mountian bike ride around Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs while Chula hiked. After the drive we needed the fresh air. I then hit up a little skatepark with transitions that were so mellow it was hard to ride but perfect for learning and not getting hurt. After a fat meal of Jamican food, sleep came easy. I was hoping to wake up early and go for a ride while Chula slept in, but my bike was stolen. One lock cut and the other broken and now it will be a hike this morning. I hate thieves not only because they took my gear but because now I will miss some rides in new places. It can only get better (knock on wood) because I cannot sink much lower than losing a bike.

Living a dream

2011-05-08T14:38:00.000-05:00

Somewhere I did something right. I never dreamed being a grown up would allow me to travel the country going from here to here to here to here while visiting friends and catching some of this. Thanks for all the encouragement and help from friends and family that are making this happen. I will keep you posted.

Kamakazie

2011-05-04T08:09:00.001-05:00

Chula enjoys hunting for bargains at estate sales, antique shops and garage sales. She brings me some gems. My lasted acquisition is a 25cent book. It has some great rides but also some great definitions.

I never get tired of this.

2011-05-01T15:14:00.000-05:00

I guess you heard...

2011-04-25T19:39:00.000-05:00

I guess you heard that I am just awful. The State confirmed your suspicions and issued my new drivers license with my weight and bloated face. The mancake diet finally payed off by leveling my power-to-weight ratio. Focusing on the positive, I am looking forward to racing the clydesdale class for the next 6 years.

Our world is a playground

2011-04-21T19:17:00.000-05:00

Dirt Biking

2011-04-18T22:26:00.002-05:00

A weekend with friends, camping, good food and soil surfing at BoneBender was ideal. I thought I signed up for a mountain bike race but was informed at the start that it was really a duatholon that required running to a bike. I run like a baboon with two club feet and entered the woods at least 100 people back, only to have riders in front of me dismounting and walking. I waited patiently while people behind me not so patiently yelled at the walkers. "You can run, but you can't ride. Get the hell out of the way!" Wanting to avoid fisticuffs, I politely wove my way through traffic. The trails were technical enough to keep you from sleeping your way around the 14.4 km flat course but with enough flow to eat and drink. There was one good jump that pitched you long but was not ideal for crossing it up. The red buds caught my eye as I skirted around the lake on a perfect spring day. I wonder who built all the old rock walls, who cares. I was having so much fun that it seemed as soon as the race started it was over.

Jesse The Hair duped me by saying, "I think they called your name for the 50 plus." Thanks Jesse. Some say results here.

One of the best sections of trial.

2011-04-11T19:32:00.001-05:00

Hello Panda

2011-04-07T20:14:00.000-05:00

Nothing better than a freaky treat to top off a dirt bike ride. Hello Pandas are crunchy pretzel-like crisp surrounding a chocolate center, with exercising pandas embellishing the treats. This is better than a disappearing panda.

New Big Wheels

2011-04-04T20:50:00.000-05:00

Past, Present and Forever.

Past: FreeFormer wheels off my first skateboard which hooked me with the first carve down the driveway
Present: Powell Mini Logos, courtesy of ParkSide, are bigger and narrower compared to the FreeFormer wheels
Forever: Have you seen him? Searching for Animal Chin.

Oceanfront Property in Oklahoma

2011-03-29T20:43:00.000-05:00

A ride linking sections of the OzarkTrail while camping has been on my radar for a bit. This weekend's weather tried its best to foil the plans with snow and cold weather. However, Mashor could have sold me oceanfront property in Oklahoma after he said the key words "Ozark trails all day". I never really heard much of the conversation after that and mentally started packing my gear.

Mashor, Brian and I rolled out with pines groaning under the weight of a fresh late spring snow. The air was crisp and our spirits high with adventure. The day melted away and trail passed by. It was relaxing to just ride, check out the few dogwoods and random flowers peaking out from the snow and fall leaves.

Nothing like getting away from my cell phone, Facebook and internets to be that bush roaming mammal I was meant to be. Perfect day of riding topped off with camping.

The next morning greeted us with more fresh snow but strangely the trails were drier than the day before. We rolled back to the cars on mostly gravel with less than five cars sighted throughout the day.

The previous days ride almost turned into an ESJ ride and prodded me to declare Jihad at Cousin's Outpost on all snacks.

On rides I find myself eating the strangest mix of foods. This time it was flashback Jihad with a salami and cheese (not a specific kind of cheese mind you, just cheese) sandwich with yellow mustard on stale white bread, a 24oz. Mountain Dew, an ice-cream Snickers and splitting a bag of Uncle Rays BBQ potato chips with Mashor. This was my typical lunch for K-6 and day two of our trip. Funny how this fueled me, now slightly larger than in the 6th grade, for several more hours on the bike, the drive home and 3 episodes of the X-files. No wonder I was hyper active.

I have seen some weird shit in the Ozarks but what has been seen cannot be unseen. Ray might have something to do with this.

Southbound Pachyderm

2011-03-14T19:05:00.001-05:00

Loaded up the truck and Schot and I moseyed down south for warm weather and single track in Hot Springs, Arkansas. I try to inspire friends to levels of greatness with the promise of cookies and dinner for race results. This time I offered Schot dinner if he beat Manny. Tall order, but he has taken me for more cookies and dinners than anyone. While walking back from breakfast, I pointed to a racer eating in our hotel lobby and said, "There's Manny. Wonder if he knows you are going to drop him today?" At the elevator said racer, signaling to Schot, walked up and asked politely "You guys here for the race?" Pleasantries and confirmation followed: Manny was on to Schot. I lost all focus because Manny was with his teammate and my favorite mountain biker Pua.

The dry rolling course was rocky but not too rocky with bridges over major water crossings to keep feet dry. It was mostly single track with maybe 2-3 km of double track weaving through recently burned pine forest. A few dogwoods and magnolias were blooming and the switchbacks gave riders time to take in the flowers. The highlight for me were the sweet jumps with smooth landings. I looked forward to tossing a tabletop each lap and wondered if other people did tabletops when no one was around.

I was scared going into the race because I have not ridden/raced my dirt bike for 6 hours since 2008 and was just hoping to finish. For me I rode great and was totally stoked to finish 20th. Still bummed I did not get to by Schot dinner, but I am sure he will earn one from me this year sometime.

Integration

2011-03-06T08:37:00.003-06:00

I started riding around the neighborhood on banana seat bikes, jumping curbs, progressing to building jumps in the woods and hitting up the local BMX track as a grom in grade school to early middle school. Traded in the 2-wheels for 4 attached to a wooden plank for 3 years, then a broken ankle from said 4-wheeled toy led back to two wheels for rehab in the then-developing mountain bike movement.

Tomac , Hans Rey and Wiens posters shared wall space with Jason Jesse and Neil Blender and still do. Tomac was amazing melded downhill and cross country. Trials and street were different entities and the disciples were mostly segregated. Chris Akrigg blends them all and inspires. I want a bike to do them all, not that I have a chance of every doing any of this, but it would be fun to try (even if it comes with a that sound track).

trite

2011-03-03T12:33:00.000-06:00

Dreaming of dry trails

2011-03-01T18:26:00.000-06:00

Parking and dessert

2011-01-20T20:11:00.002-06:00

Kataifi is Greek for big red zinger.

Why ride?

2011-01-16T14:00:00.001-06:00

I ride because it enables me to declare jihad on casseroles that make tables groan under their weight and midwesterners beam with pride. This feast was topped off with turkey and a triple dessert. Ouch. The only way to finish this meal (other than these) is with karaoke, which is surprisingly good for digestion, flexibility and core strength.I assumed karaoke was only for my drunk Korean friends and lonely truckers, but I discovered you can learn a lot about your friends. For example, Patrick belted out a stunning version of Bennie and the Jets with air piano and stated that he majored in voice for two years at college. Holy shit.
Further analysis of this photo shows important details.

Pink Hawaiian shirt that Patrick wore to prom, which he coolly noted was his third prom. He was/is a cool kid who went to prom, and I am a loser who slept through most of high school and definitely never attended dances, but now we are hanging out. I am not sure what this means. Am I moving up in the social world or he is moving down?
Wine from a pitcher.
Home karaoke machine.
Lego Keebler Elf on the monitor. Awesome.

What do peoples home inspire them to do? Does your house make you feel like it could be a photo in a home decorating magazine? Does it make you want to relax? What does a Lego elf and karaoke machine inspire? The greatest invention. I present to you the "skiter."You will be seeing this in snowy barrios around the world. This prototype converts your scooter to a snowmobile. Genius. Unfortunately my enthusiasm was shut down as Chula warned, "Do not give him the key." Either she meant I would crash and kill myself, or have so much fun that I would never come home. So now I have to build one of my own. I want my scooter back BH.

Mid-Life Crisis

2011-01-12T10:37:00.003-06:00

I am having a mid-life crisis. This morning I trimmed nose hairs and applied acne cream and need a new bike to feel better about myself.

Who done it?

2011-01-09T14:58:00.007-06:00

Recently I found something peculiar while cleaning a couch. The couch has been in my family since before I was born, and I have childhood memories of sleeping on this couch, watching my dad nap on it. It was always a center piece of our living room. According to family stories, I pissed on this couch within 5 minutes of getting home from the hospital. This summer my mom offered it to me, and how could I say no? It is a Kermit-green beast of a couch. As it was moved in, all the cushions were removed, and it was cleaned. But I recently found a helmet-load of acorns-- not one or two but an upside-down helmet load. Someone suggested squirrels in the attic caching nuts. No squirrels. Plus, Mish would have had a feast because she sleeps on the couch. Practical joke from friends? They deny it, although I still have my suspicions. Someone suggested Chula did it and is not fessing up just to "get in my head." Whoever or whatever put the acorns in the couch has got in my head. Any ideas?

In other news, dirtbiking is fun and trails are frozen.

White Trash Training

2010-12-29T08:38:00.003-06:00

Training consists of sledding, throwing snowballs and making snow jumps which improves attitude, balance, core strength and skills as if you didn't know.

453

2010-12-28T08:24:00.002-06:00

Operation No Trainer 2010

2010-12-25T08:44:00.001-06:00

Holidays Gifts

2010-12-22T08:44:00.003-06:00

My Mom raised me the best she could and I love her. Every year I carefully explain that we do not need any Christmas gifts. However my Mom feels compelled to get us something. Last night Chula wanted to open presents so she started with my Mom's. She started laughing and asked "Guess what is in here?" Quickly followed by "Never mind you will never guess." She was right.This year we got:

Pink toothbrush - always useful and standard mom gift and I like pink. However, there was only one for us so I guess we are sharing.
Green cookie decorating gel - I typically never put gel on my cookies but St. Patrick's Day is just around the corner.
Small bottle of GreatValue grape juice - I like grape juice but typically never buy it, nice gift. We each get 5 ounces.
Curious Kittens 2011 Calender - I have a cat. Who does not like a calender with a new kitten every month?
Nov/Dec 2010 Issue of History, The official magazine of the History Channel. - This was clearly swiped from a waiting room. What do I do with stolen property from my Mom?

Now as a proper son I will write a thank you note. It will start with. "Thank you for all the wonderful gifts but you really shouldn't have....."

Gene Simmons Spotted at State Cross Race

2010-12-07T19:13:00.002-06:00

Gene Simmons looking fitter than ever was spotted at an obscure cycling event in the Mid-West. Gene would not comment.

Kittens and opinions are being given away

2010-11-28T17:31:00.006-06:00

After a few days of wearing long sleeved jerseys and dreading winter, I packed my bags and headed south to extend the summer. The weather was perfect and the beaches were deserted. The flat wide open trails were mostly sand covered with pine needles, providing lots of traction. The ferns, palms and magnolias were large and covered with epiphytes and bromeliads. Unfortunately it was a no-dog beach so this is as close as Fausto got. He was pissed.Chula put her j-school mafia connections to use hitting up a local food writer for the low-down on the best fish tacos and fish shacks. We would never have found them without the tips. Here is a picture of a salad while camping. Yes, BH, I am a hippie.

In other news, while we were gone either the person watching our cat or some other folks who were crashing at our house left these little gems. I have only found three but have been cleaning the house looking for the entire deck. Chula: "Why are you cleaning?" Me: "Just trying to help, honey."

Who to cheer for?

2010-11-14T19:11:00.005-06:00

Riding with a friend.

2010-11-07T17:46:00.002-06:00

I like pro cycling because...

2010-11-04T18:21:00.000-05:00

I like pro cycling because Keith Richards is awesome. Keith recently released an autobiography riddled with stories about drug use: "I used to walk down Oxford Street with a slab of hash as big as a skateboard." Or, "He claims that during the notorious Redlands raid of 1967, he allowed the police into his home in Sussex because he was under the misapprehension, as a result of copious quantities of LSD, that the officers were dwarves 'wearing dark blue, with shiny bits and helmets.'" My feelings exactly, Keith, dwarves.

Why not look at pro cycling like entertainment? Entertainment consists of any activity which provides a diversion or permits people to amuse themselves in their leisure time. I have no stake weather people win or lose in pro cycling, just passing the time watching anaerobic advertising monkeys riding around in rubber underwear in different countries. Maybe I am just sad because my faith in pro cycling has been broken time and again. Pro cyclist are incredible athletes and hopped up on goof balls are even better entertainment. Just like Jimi Hendrix, Snoop Dog and Hunter S. Thompson were good at what they did but drugs made them idols on a different level. Do I hate cheaters? Yes. Do I hate dopers? Yes. Do drugs make for good entertainment? Why, yes they do. Nothing like watching Vino attack again and again, or Floyd bounce back to go on a solo break to win the Tour, or Lance give Jan the look. Entertainment, yes but no longer sport. So I am putting pro cycling on the same level as Lady Gaga to keep myself from future heartbreak. Why not have a stock and modified category for entertainment?

In other news far from pro cycling but entertainment, if you missed the race at Rock Bridge, you missed some fantastic trail. I was planning on just cooking breakfast for friends who were racing and cheering them on. Then their infectious enthusiasm wore off on me, and I was packing my gear and bikes. Then I found myself driving to the race as they hammered three 22oz energy drinks each before the race. Wow. It was Halloween, and I briefly considered going as a bike racer but opted for a cute little black dress, some pearls and a purse. In all the races I did this year, I have yet to wear plum smugglers, so at least I accomplished something.

Berryman and would you rather...

2010-10-27T20:50:00.003-05:00

Not much more I can say about the Berryman Epic that hasn't already been said.
However, night riding rocks.

On another note, I know people who -- in completely unrelated circumstances -- have drank from a creek and drank beer from a friend's beard. When they both explain the situations, both actions sound logical. As a microbiologist, I have issues with both scenarios. But what would you rather do?

Random debris of the world worth keeping

2010-10-20T20:09:00.004-05:00

I collect random things to remind me of places and times: discs from childhood guns, turtle bones from a beach, midget Santa, rock from a beach and a piece of scrap wood made into a trophy.
My prized pen from the "Visitors Quarters at GITMO."

Burnin Confusion

2010-10-10T17:41:00.011-05:00

Burnin 2010 has me scratching my head for 2 reasons.

1: How can I flat 2 times in one day when I have only flatted once in the last 6 months? I got no sympathy from him, and I deserved none. I suck and am totally bummed I let down my team.

2: DRJ's "secret weapon" is unethical and should be banned. On my first lap coming up the first double track climb, I noticed someone off the trail holding his junk. Racer pissing, no worries. But roll past and the guy has his shorts totally off and not pissing. I pedal faster. He says "I was just waiting for my friend." I pedal faster. I flat and said rider rolls up behind me while I am nursing a low tire, trying not pinch flat again. He introduces himself and says "I was taking off all my clothes to surprise my friend." I intentionally crash off the trail-- scared-- and luckily he rolls away. At the start/finish area, I try to protest. A DRJ rider laughs and says that was our "secret weapon." I pedal away and think I may never feel safe in the woods again.

For the record, if you are my friend or my enemy, please do not surprise me on the trail totally naked. I do not like surprises .

In other news Glasglow Mafia put on his race face and took no quarter.Shot carbo loaded at breakfast and looked relieved when it was over so he could celebrate with ice cream.The shirt this year is a tribute to LedZepplin. How can you go wrong with that? Well done. LedZepplin made the world a better place and now my chances of scoring a dime bag at the arcade just went up.
Ploch was having flashbacks of BH being on our team and started the "mind games" first thing in the morning. I gave him a cookie as a peace offering. It didn't matter because the "secret weapon" was revealed shortly thereafter.
Last year I was confused by the surfer at Burnin. This year it was the rare Trail Show Pony wearing mascara.

Para Suit is packed

2010-10-07T18:49:00.001-05:00

Mondays suck

2010-10-04T18:03:00.005-05:00

Mondays suck and what better way to end the day than with some fruit flavored beef jerky?The bull licking his lips on the label conjures happy images of prions. The label claims "It's sweet and fruity and it'll make you want to come back for more." I almost vomited. The label should read "Remember that red deep shag carpet you spilled a peach Nehi soda on when you were six? We rescued it from the land fill and just sold it to you. Enjoy."

Feeling far away at home.

2010-10-03T17:48:00.008-05:00

BH would not loan me his aero helmet so I stayed home from the races this weekend. No worries, trails were in great shape, and I wanted to get that feeling of riding someplace new. I started out at RockBridge, then made my way to Three Creeks. Gravel lead me to trails I have ridden intermittently in Mark Twain National Forest. The trails were rustic but mostly ridable. I was lost at several points and lucky the Englewood Hustlers did not find me. By the time I was heading back through Three Creeks and Rock Bridge again I was seeing stars. Best rolled up behind me while I was dreaming of food and water. I probably only grunted about my other project of the weekend. Dutch oven lasagna from the grill. I finished about half of this when I got home.

You may find yourself in another part of the world and ask yourself "How did I get here?"

2010-09-30T16:20:00.000-05:00

Protests to no avail

2010-09-26T16:20:00.000-05:00

Skip owned the course at Manions CX. BH claimed my new custom grill (thanks to Best) sucked because it is not carbon and had no pork on it.BH is not looking serious here, on cruise control.At the start line, someone told me my aero helmet was not legal for a mass start. I explained that I spent all summer in the wind tunnel and found that the helmet was more aero than aero wheels, and my team's limited budget was stretched after getting our new suits for cross. Rumors of protests circulated after the race, but the officials let me start, so nothing could be done.
Fish went up the hill more times than anyone and smiled during both his events but not in this photo.
ProPam was confused about why a 60+ old man was scouring the rule book to have her DQ'ed when he should be more concerned about retirement.MacDaddy had the best number and did it justice.LtD had some bad luck with a broken pedal but was hammering the course. Obviously, with tips from Cassidy.Shotgun's back blew up, but he still sprinted to second. He got protested, too, when third place did not realize it was the last lap and wanted half Shot's cash because they could not have a do-over.Best beat a pro (as if anyone doubted he could).Lastly BH beat this guy, so I owe him a dozen cookies. The cookies will be frosted with an asterisk to note that he DNF'd. The next batch will wait until he finishes the race with you in front of him.

Autopsy bike drop.

2010-09-13T16:20:00.000-05:00

Best is a good guy because I threw his bike off the back of my car, and he did not rip my head off. Mike's Pivot is prized like his FJ or house. Tossing his bike is like I walked into his house, kicked his dog, then dropped a deuce on his carpet. He shrugged off his ground down bar and bar-end nonchalantly saying, "It may be good because the trails may suck and now I might not have to race." Wracked with guilt and feeling hollow inside, I started calling friends in Springpatch for hookups. Butteafuco came through. I owe him my first born child. Best got rolling again and made it to the race in the nick of time to challenge for the hole shot.Best and Shot were dominating the solo 6 and drying the course out for me. I went last on The Ponder, Brixey and Verts team. I was the outcast of the heavily inked team of former pro flatlanders and vert riders because I am pro at nothing. Ponder suffered some bad luck and ended up walking almost an entire lap after double flatting. I was relieved because I had longer to chill and wait for the trails to dry. Thanks Ponder. I cruised around the mostly traffic-free course with a grin on my face.
I need to air my descriptions of riding spots, I like them all (rough and slow, fast and flowy, hilly or flat, bumpy and ugly, urban and back country) because they are all better than working, and it allows me to forget about most other things, kinda like mediating but not sedentary. With that, I had fun picking lines through the twisty, rocky course and the occasional two wheel drift around a corner. It was one of those courses no matter how many times you went around there was always a corner or something you forgot, and wham-- off the trail bouncing into trees. The well organized and supported event was worth the trip.

Overstuffed Hillbilly Weekend

2010-09-08T06:45:00.000-05:00

I was...

2010-09-01T16:20:00.000-05:00

I was considering getting a full suspension rig but after this video I am getting a full face helmet, wide bars, jeans and a studded belt.

You got yours, I got mine

2010-08-26T16:08:00.000-05:00

Chula scored me this Soviet-era cycling cap. She says I look like a "model Ruskie." Thanks.Check out the genuine communist craftsmanship...Wonder what Chula would say if I came home with this fella's hat on? I have seen lots of holsters, but this is the first bible holster I have ever seen, although they are more common than I thought.

Columbia Steamers

2010-08-16T19:29:00.006-05:00

Glasgow Mafia (GM) had never ridden at Trenton, so he wanted to team up for Rapture In Misery (RIM). GM always brings his A game and takes competition seriously. I was concerned my laid back racin disposition and lack of ability to dig deep would let him down. He eased my worries with "Just ride the trail like you normally would. I will make sure you have a clean shot at the trail." OK. He wasn't bluffing and was leading into the woods and out of the woods. I had an open trail but was worried about being the weakest link of the Columbia Steamers. GM gave me a high five and said "Just roll like normal." OK. The fast, technical, twisty, up, down, open or wooded trails were a little greasy but improved through the day. Great event and great trails.
The t-shirt is a great fabric, fit and color. You can never go wrong with black. It says "Ecstatic Exhaustion" on the front. 'Ecstatic' is ecstasy or rapture. 'Exhaustion' is fatigue, physically spent. OK, but now the connotations are starting to worry me. Then notice the back says RIM and has a little blood dripping from the 'I.' What does this say to you?

Freaky drinks and snacks

2010-08-12T08:08:00.000-05:00

This was so boring. If you want cranraspberry drink but want to look like you are drinking something freaky, this is the drink for you. Yawn.
This was a sharp, not too sweet ginger beer. Well done and worth the investment. The label states "botanically brewed." I have no idea what this means and cannot find any legitimate explanation of what this is other than on their web site. My suspicion is they wanted their drinks to sound cool and organic, but it just makes them sound like idiots. Keep the cooks and fire the marketers.
Still not sure what to think of this drink. It is slightly thick but not in a sweet syrup-like way. It was not sweet at all. Sublime hints of ginger with an overwhelming flavor of dirt. Yes, dirt. So if they were going for organic, they hit the nail on the head.
If this is the Italian Ding Dong, it is a relief to realize that American junk food is not the only kind that sucks. The cake was like couch foam where a Sprite had spilled and soaked in with a creamy undistinguishable center.

Dirt biking

2010-08-08T17:40:00.005-05:00

Motor paced behind Best at Binder.

Everybody has them.

2010-08-03T10:13:00.010-05:00

T-shirts from races are nice. I like them because it ensures I am not going home empty handed. Some go in the wearing rotation, some are worn for changing the oil in my car, and others are rags (which are very important). Looking for fodder for this little site I will start to evaluate them. Here is a recent acquisition.
Alabama Bump and Grind 2010. Well done with the brown color and subtle light brown and white lettering. Subtle is good because you really do not want people to read "Sweet 16" across the top. A little creepy for a grown adult male, but to each his own.

Then there's "bump n' grind" to make it even creepier. Fit for church?

Then the final exclamation "Radical!" Now we're "Gleaming the Cube" again?

The statements taken individually or together still have me guessing.

Accenting the shirt is a kokopelli figure, acceptable during a brief hemp necklace-wearing period in the mid-90s. But we (or everyone but me) have cell phones now people. We do not need petroglyphs.

The statements on the shirt are to creepy and confusing for me to wear, but Chula likes the colors and wears it with the assumption that no one actually reads it. I am not sure what message it sends. I might make it into a rag.

Load your life on your bike and go

2010-08-01T09:00:00.011-05:00

Earlier this year, Narelle gave a short presentation about a bike trip across America that she is doing to raise money for water awareness. I donated to the cause and offered a place to stay during the trip. Narelle and Carmen took me up on that offer this week, arriving near dark on Friday and soaked after 70+ miles of hills, heat and storms. I am jealous of their sense of adventure and efforts to do well for others.

Homeland

2010-07-28T11:36:00.011-05:00

After suffering in the car with me for 12 hours, Chula finally booted me out. You would, too. No problem, I planned to ride west as she finished the drive to her parents' house. Pastoral gravel roads were leading me pleasantly westward then I encountered this:Water was running all around the bridge with no way to cross other than swimming. No problem, backtrack and take another road. Again a closed road with no sign until you were knee deep in water. I lost count after this happened 5 times as I drank the last of my water and finished my food. The simple 2 hour ride was morphing into a 4+hour adventure, and the sun had set. Dehydrated and bonking, I time-trialed toward my in-laws thinking that it couldn't get worse than arriving very late, covered in mud and sweat. Then a skunk wandered in the road. I remember my dad telling me if I ever thought I was going to wreck, just floor it. So I did (as much as I can on a bike) and the skunk spray passed behind me. If I would of braked, skunked. Thanks, Dad.
Rutland, North Dakota, the former home of the worlds largest hamburger. This honor is passed around like the Olympics or World Cup. Beaming with pride, residents assure you that the hamburger was of superior quality and taste. The logistics of a burger of this magnitude amazes me. Where do you get 3,591 lbs of beef, let alone cook it?I spent my days watching nephews play baseball, visiting family, swimming (while getting tips on how to improve my flips from nephews) and exploring rural roads and fishing spots on my bike. The riding is desolate. In an 6 hour ride with some fishing stops tossed in, only two cars passed. One was an International truck in perfect shape. The fishing was frustrating, I was shut out. While pondering my tackle selection I noticed what appears to be a marlin on the envelope holding my license. I have been fishing for the wrong thing. So I asked this fishing comrade at a little league game what he used for catching marlin. He narrowed his eyes and said "You aren't from around here."

I briefly thought East Coast Brawler had stopped by to go riding on his summer TapOut tour.The other notable event of the trip was that I got the Rutland Plague. I have had almost every stomach aliment but have never vomited (except from ingesting too much poison). Now I have had the pleasure of vomiting and crapping simultaneously. In less than 12 hours my body is completely wrung out, and I have defiled I-29 in what is going to be an epidemiologist's nightmare. Nothing like Missouri's humidity and heat to welcome me home totally dry and 3 kg lighter.

Why ride?

2010-07-18T19:05:00.004-05:00

I ride for exercise, hanging out with friends, stress relief, to get dropped and to eat. I am planning a ride to visit Imogene in Blackwater, MO. Imogene is 90 years old and makes 10-15 pies on Saturdays and Sundays. It will be worth the trip if you want to come.

5 left, or 4, right?

2010-07-16T07:49:00.006-05:00

I figure 5 lives left after this 8-year-old face plate hung on just enough to get me home. Since I am not very good at math or counting, I am getting this and this. Especially since the Wednesday Drop Rides have recently featured sprinting by folks with less control than this and/or tactics like his.

Mission Accomplished

2010-07-07T08:18:00.003-05:00

Lost Valley

2010-06-21T11:39:00.003-05:00

Once again no interview or photos, and I have to resort to my C-level composition skills to recap the Lost Valley. You would be better off reading here.

Arrived with Shot, and Ploch (unprompted by BH) squeezed his tire to get him second guessing his tire pressure, then lingered to ask about Shot's secret training plan, which I explained included drinking lots of Trops. Anyway, there was no shade in the parking lot which was absorbing solar radiation like sorority girls before the spring formal. I really noticed it while changing into my cycling shoes. Starting the grill the night before, I dumped the coals and, being the barefoot hillbilly I am, stepped on a coal that missed the Weber. That would be the flesh cooking on the bottom of my foot.

I made my way to the back of the Cat1 field and got heckled by Fuhrman for being in back. I should start in back to stay out of the way. The race tore down a Katy Trail type path for a 1km or so, then dumped into the woods for some double track action. I was choking nicely on dust at this point. After about 3km of double track, we turned into the woods. The new trail was nicely laid out and flowed well between the trees with little elevation change. It was littered with rocks and still bumpy but will only get better. I was following Gino and admiring his new bike. He slowed down in a corner by sliding out. I quickly thought "What should I do?" Stomp his new bike and steal his bottle of course. Then I remembered the Segal connection and scamped off in the woods to hide to avoid having my wrists snapped. The double track and single track do-si-do'ed to complete the lap. I have no clue where I finished, other than with a big grin on my face from riding some great new trail and rolling a lap or so with LtD and Tom. Happy late Fathers Day to those two fine gentlemen. My foot still hurts, and the blister is better. Thanks for asking.

Guppy and Fish with Gus

2010-06-15T22:25:00.004-05:00

With Subtitles:
GB: What is that thing again? (referring to the lure that caught the fish)
Guppy: Crawdad
Fish: Son of a biscuit, f***ity f*** it.
GB: (Giggles)
Guppy: Maybe we are just going to have to keep him, Dad. We can have him as a pet.
Fish: Here what I want you to do is hold the hook, hold the hook outta my way so I don't rehook him again. Let me see if I can get in here and get this mother f***er.

Melted at Castlewood

2010-06-14T12:35:00.006-05:00

Course and race were top notch this year at Castlewood. I caught up with Doug Davis racing the marathon class. His goals were to "beat Mike Best or be within smelling distance." This is a tall order, and the two traded jabs before the race. When I asked what Doug's most important piece of equipment was, he said it "ain't my legs, but my secret weapon was the 32oz Dos Equis I had last night." Mike said it's his "Thudbuster."

After the race, Doug said he had fun on the course and "felt good on his second and third laps, despite a root ball getting him every lap" and "even managed to impress a few crowd members on the LoneWolf descent." He did not finish within smelling distance (which is 5 minutes, if you were wondering). But I am sure the "two brothers from different mothers" will continue to chase each other around, especially next weekend.
In other news, I made a sequel to this. When I got ready to publish it, I discovered they started charging a fee. I figured it's not worth spending the cash for five people to waste a minute of their life.

Opps I crapped my pants.

2010-06-07T16:18:00.009-05:00

Shotgun promised great trails last summer in Alabama at the Bump-N-Grind race, but grown-up life got in the way. This year, in an effort to avoid being a grownup, I jumped in the passenger seat of Shot's coaster for the 18-hour techno and German dance music trip. Shot drives a little more conservatively than he rides. Rather than driving pace lines in his car, he drafts and tail guns. I woke up and he cheerfully pointed out, “You are lucky you have been sleeping. We have been pace lining for about 30 minutes averaging between 80-100 mph." I needed these while he passed trucks over 100 mph. Driving openers? Race report here.

The 51 miles of trails are worth the trip. The flowing single track with double track tossed in allows for an occasional drinking and eating sections. Trails were a changing mix of roots, rocks, sand and hard pack with some sections full throttle and others demanding closer attention. Trails builders have been busy constructing bridges to keep your feet mostly dry and nice bench cuts. The pine-covered ridges, reached by @6km of climbing, descend into hardwood bottoms. Bottom line, if you want to make a trip and have room in the car for me and my Depends, I am ready to bail on grown-up life for single track anytime.

Are you?

2010-06-02T08:47:00.004-05:00

You get free socks. You get free plum smugglers. You get pro-deals on bikes. Are you big time? Or are you big time when a road is named after you?

Yeti Quest

2010-05-29T17:17:00.000-05:00

You can't always get what you want

2010-05-24T07:03:00.008-05:00

Sunday we loaded up a truck in headed off in search of dry trails. Nope. Denied by recent monsoons. Best was fuming, Shot was dozing, John and I were thinking of cooking, and Il Pirata was driving us home. Best was so upset he suggested we get dropped off and ride home because he had to utilize his 4 inches of travel. Before we got out of the parking lot, my tire purchased from Shot went flat. He really has the worst luck. We got an honest ride in, but not the soil-surfing single track time we wanted.

Soggy Bottom Soliders

2010-05-17T14:44:00.003-05:00

No soggy bottom rule was in effect for me on Sunday at Rhett's Run. Last year I neglected this rule and busted my chain leading to a busted knee which kept me off the bike for over a week. This year I just took photos, cheered and did not get an interview. I am lame, feel free to lecture me about not racing and not getting an interview.

Flash dance ass pants

2010-05-03T17:44:00.008-05:00

I never want to be the guy who rides around in threadbare shorts. So Sunday I decided to rip a big hole in my favorite pair of bibs. It started when I stopped shaving my legs. Why do amateur bike riders shave their legs? To avoid road rash and for massages of course. I have never had a massage, have only crashed on my road bike once and did not get road rash. So I started farming leg hair. Mistake one.

After a long winter with lots of wet gritty rides, I replaced my bar tape and cables on Saturday night. Mistake two.

Then while rolling out of town I decide to try and ride through some wet pavement even after I have seen hours of footage (@ 0:17) and wondered, Why take the risk? Mistake three.I quickly found myself doing my best Denis Menchov for about 9 meters, thinking about lawn furniture, while managing to take off my sunglasses. Not only did I scuff my new bar tape, I had to live with the humiliation of riding around in rubber underwear with a hole in them. And I got sunburned where the hole was.So I spend the next day playing with my Evil Knievel Scramble Van because we recently met with a mortgage guy. Said mortgage (for still-theoretical house) means my Scramble Van is the closest I will get to a Sprinter Van or any o ther vehicle for the rest of my life.* Not that I need one of these, but I am just sayin. *It should be noted that it is amazing that I even have a wife since I have a Scramble Van and still play with it.

Passing Notes

2010-04-29T21:10:00.004-05:00

This note on my commuter bike made my week bearable. This can of fish filled my belly and freaked me out.

Barstools are built for dreamers.

2010-04-25T21:11:00.005-05:00

The Tour de Tick put on by Gary Lowden provided 6 miles of twisty Ozark single track carving between black jack oaks and an occasional dogwood at the Department of Conservation Bicentennial Park. A few obstacles were tossed in for fun and a berm or two that were perfect for railing. Gary puts on the race to promote cycling, get kids involved and raise money to support a core group of 12 people that help maintain the trails due to state cutbacks. The atmosphere was relaxed with plenty of free meat logs, fruit, drinks, and two kegs.
I caught up with Garrett Steinmetz, who raced the expert open on his single speed. His 15g cranks by The Hive were his most valuable piece of equipment because they were "light and stiff as s**t" and enabled him to "own those bitches on the hole shot." But he "had to put duct tape on them to make them ghetto."

"I was running good but like a 45-year old obese man having sex, for 5 minutes," he said.

HV: How did you finish Garrett?

GS: 5th loser or something. I have not seen the result but I beat Shottler on a single speed.

Shifting Gears

2010-04-22T16:58:00.004-05:00

Going into the first event of the season, I kept telling myself to be patient and ride your own race. I was just admitting to Mitch that he was probably right about this, when I found myself behind 200+ people running for our bikes. Wait... who wants to hear another pack fodder story from Haricot Verts? Me neither... so that is why I am going to start interviewing people at races. It may not be the winners or cool kids – just racers giving their perspective on the event and how their day went.

This time I took an easy way out and interviewed a winner and cool kid nice guy John Shottler or ShotGun. Next time it might be you, so if some goofy old guy comes up with a pad of paper, a pencil and a Schlitz hat, either run or get ready from some questions.

HV: How was the course?

SG: The course was perfect. One of the 11 miles was paved, the rest was super sweet single track. It was very fast, pretty flat, and somewhat technical. It was well marked and was some of the best single track I have ridden in a while. It left a big grin on my face the whole race.

HV: How was the start?

SG: The start was stupid and chaotic. I stood on the "front line" pointed out by the promoter and was immediately pushed back to the 4th row by a bunch of dudes who knew they were going to win their 3 or 6 hour race by getting into the single track first. I hate Le Mans starts... we should be sent off in waves depending on category to minimize crashes and me yelling at everyone.

HV: What did you do in preparation?

SG: For the first time, my "opener" the day before was a Pro/1/2 crit in Hermann. The race lasts only an hour, but I found it to be a good way of getting my legs and cardio ready for a beating the next day. Other than that, I ate my banana and chocolate chip oatmeal pancakes, along with a 6 egg white omelet for breakfast. The night before was a butt load of fruit, pasta, and salmon.

HV: What would you have done different?

SG: It would have been nice to be one of the first in the singletrack. I hit the trail battling others and putting out elbows at about 30th position. I spent the whole first lap telling people to get out of my way, just knowing the leaders were getting bigger and bigger gaps as I was on a nice aerobic bike ride through the woods. I burnt a lot of matches sprinting past people through the grass and off the trail. I think I would have easily won the overall race if I started with the leaders. I brought back a large gap.

HV: What piece of equipment helped you out the most?

SG: I would have to say the new Cannondale Flash 29 carbon 1 bike with new Sram XX 10 speed was the best equipment I could have used. I was able to stay in the 42 big ring the whole race and use the entire 11-36 cassette. Thankfully I did not get a flat, because apparently my brand new Bontrager seat bag opened up during the race and dumped my tube, CO₂ dispenser, chain tool, and 2 connex chain links.

Dirt biking and cheap thrills

2010-04-14T06:48:00.007-05:00

Visit your LBS for entertainment.

Match

2010-04-11T19:37:00.003-05:00

Chula likes garage sales, and I like Tour swag.

Perfect piece of meat for Easter and racin' advice

2010-04-04T15:21:00.008-05:00

Being the Rolling Sitcom's Cat. 6 non-road racer, I want to share some wisdom passed on by a sage of the peloton.

Fish: Greenbeans, did you see that?
GB: Yeah. (gasping between breaths)
Someone pulled out of the line of riders strung out single file, got 10 feet up the road, then shelled out the back and was never seen on the ride again.
Fish: If you ever race, never attack when people are strung out single file and you are doing 32 mph. You do not get far.
GB: OK.

My heart pumps dust

2010-03-30T11:49:00.007-05:00

On the DL for three weeks, then trying to hang on with the Rolling Sitcom, then Shotlerpacing makes the phlegm fly and body ache. Why does it take so long to build fitness, and why does it go away so fast?

Dear Stan

2010-03-20T09:34:00.007-05:00

Dear Stan,
Thanks for all the great traction and flat fixes. However, I am moving to a new foaming product. I will sorely miss the little gems you leave in my tires when I neglect regular maintenance. Here is the last gem. I named it Dirt Pickle. I hope we can still be friends, and, if my new relationship does not work out, you and your tire boogers will be back. Friends, HV

Hanging out with Acetaminophen...

2010-03-14T13:19:00.008-05:00

Hanging out with acetaminophen, dextromethorphan HBr and doxylamine succinate. Ignored the signs as the week progressed: work, ride, get caught in the rain while riding and repeat. Then wham, it caught me on Friday. I fled work early and hid under a blanket. Soldiered through work Saturday with a box of tissues in hand but retreated mid-afternoon to the blanket and fading in and out. Saturday night dozed off for good at 9:30 p.m. and slept to 10:30 a.m. on Sunday (not adjusted for day light savings). Twelve-plus hours -- that never happens. Last time I slept that much was over 10 years ago when I had dengue in Guatemala in this little house.
Then my temperature was well over 101F for several days. I shivered in my down sleeping bag in a tin-roofed hut in 105F heat, and my bones felt like they were breaking. My neighbors took care of me with crazy drinks from local herbs and fruits. Currently my head hurts too much to read, I'm too dizzy to do anything that requires focus, and sleep is my only comfort. Upon convalescence I will be starting this program to get rolling again.

Checking things off the bottomless to-do list....

2010-03-09T20:08:00.003-06:00

Ever wonder what was in that old building? Now you know. Time to turn the garden, add the compost and plant.

Day in the Life of Haricot Verts

2010-03-04T20:22:00.005-06:00

Random photos of my day with a random incident that really confuses, bums and makes me mad. I ride to and from work to wake up, get fresh air and improve productivity. I commute in my geek outfit and follow traffic rules. In a bike lane that ends with cars and bikes merging at an intersection, I stopped behind the two cars waiting at the light. A green minivan rolls up super close to me. I look at the soccer mom and smile in hopes that she realizes I am a person. Cold stare from her. Next thing, the light turns green and the van is hitting me. I remain upright but stunned. She slows and waits to make sure I am upright, then speeds away. Confused, I miss the license plate. I sit on the curb, regain myself, and solider home. I have been hit before but I genuinely believe those were accidents. This was different. She knew I was there, but she hit me. Why? First, I was pissed. Then scared when I realized her front wheel could have pulled me under her car, and my wife would be visiting me at a hospital. It makes me sad to think that she really was trying to hit, maim or kill a total stranger. Was she trying to prove a point? She was not in that much of a hurry because she slowed afterwards. Why?
Be safe out there folks and I might take the bus to work from now on because cars move out of the way of the bus.

CoMo

2010-02-25T14:44:00.007-06:00

I have little to no Tiger Pride despite many degrees between Chula and I from there. However, we still receive the Alumni Association publication MIZZOU. The most recent issue is titled "Why we love CoMo." Inside: Full page pix of the best burgers at Booches, Chuck Berry at The Blue Note,and, of course, CoMo's own National Co-champion bur oak. The oak or Big Tree is co-champion to ProPam, who is riding by. I got my issue autographed. In other CoMo news, I pick this guy for the win again this weekend.

Sitcom plays pro

2010-02-17T12:33:00.006-06:00

The Rolling Sitcom is evolving strangely. Attacks have been started when people drop their glasses. People are turning off the route when people are up the road, then calling their cell phones to let them know they now have to chase for several miles to catch back on. And people have been cutting courses to arrive at hills before everyone else. Maybe it should be expected since we are playing dress up and want to be like the pros. Exhibit A from CyclingNews.com:

"Several riders claimed that the Team Sky riders vented their anger on the peloton by blasting through the feed zone and then put the peloton in the gutter by riding a half-road echelon when the wind changed direction.

That especially angered the Cervelo Test Team, who retaliated by splitting the race when Boasson Hagen stopped for a leak 55km from the finish. Because he was race leader, Boasson Hagen had perhaps thought the peloton would wait for him, but in the heat of battle, nobody did and 41 riders group quickly formed an echelon and accelerated up the road."

"Racing is racing but perhaps it wasn't fair they attacked when Boasson Hagen stopped for a leak."

You say saddle I say seat.

2010-02-14T17:36:00.000-06:00

I have the first car I bought, shirts from 20 years ago, Legos from 30 years ago, stones collected as a child on camping trips, and friends from grade school. Some things make it into my life and stay. I got the RockLobster 10 years ago, and we had great adventures. I trust it bombing down hills and know when the tires will break loose in corners (photo number 2, and yes, I still have that dress. and yes, you can say how stupid it is to unclip in corners, but old motocross habits never go away). Our relationship is not ending but changing. It will not be sold but morph into a niche bike. One of those bikes that suits a very special occasion, for example: wearing-a-groundhog-suit-while-rolling-around-town-looking-for-podium-girls type occasion. Did I get my investment out of the RockLobster? Without a doubt. It was not the coolest, lightest, newest--and never the fastest bike (motor's fault)-- but it was always ready to roll.
In hopes of avoiding the critical MacDaddy, I will include a photo of the new saddle only because there are parts from the mid-90s hanging on the new addition. Fine looking saddle.

Problems

2010-02-07T08:36:00.008-06:00

I have a wheat addiction. I dream about scones, cookies, cake, biscuits and pasta. A local bakery has my number. "Will that be baguette or ciabbata today, Dr. Verts?" Both. It is like a bike shop: They always have something new that I want. It is not just a bakery addiction. I love to bake -- cookies, cakes, scones, pasta, bread. Last week Chula got a book from the library titled "Artisan Breads" and casually left it on a table. Looking through it after work, I started talking to myself, and Chula inquires, "What are you babbling about?" "This is porn for bread addicts," as I drool. Inspired new creation = cranberry bacon scone. Friends and co-workers warn of the evils of wheat. "Empty calories, inflammation, your going to get fat, diabetes, it will make you slow, insulin crash." I know the risks and am willing to take them. Just like all addicts I have other interest, kumquats.

ESJ rides

2010-01-30T16:47:00.004-06:00

You never know when the ElvisSantaJesus (ESJ) ride will come. Today started with pancakes and meeting friends for a little one-bottle ride. Roads and trails were covered with snow, and enthusiasm was high as we cruised around BoCoMo. After about 2.5 hours, I started to wonder if my tires were going flat or if the trail was spongy. No one else was having problems. Then--bam. I started thinking about all the calorie-dense foods I have ever consumed. Tunnel vision with rice krispies treats and sodas whirling in the periphery fueled me to Coopers... wheee! chips, soda and rice krispies treats went down the hatch. My riding partners morphed into Elvis, Santa and Jesus. It was a religious experience. I cannot wait to do it again tomorrow, but I am leaving with 5 bottles filled with corn syrup.

Correction: Elvis, Santa and Jesus.

Collection of dust

2010-01-25T19:17:00.004-06:00

The lab is coming together. Just like a rug for The Dude, the dual (Eddy and Axel) autographed photo of Alex Merckx, The Professor, and vintage skateboards really tie the place together. While installing some insulation a few weeks ago I found this in a crawl space on a hidden little ledge. The RIZLA was made in Great Britian, but what is it? When I lived in Guatemala, people would always want to show me shaky home videos. I would usually get car sick. If you want to get that feeling, watch this. This guy did the editing and music; I was filming with his camera. How can my bucket head bounce around so much when I ride, and how do I not barf?

Rolling Sitcom Quote "Someone's tempo is some others' threshold."

First Episode of 2010

2010-01-17T15:56:00.008-06:00

The Rolling Sitcom is going to be full of great things in 2010. Some are big time and have bikes with their names on them; others got new bikes. Some got new bar tape, but did not go with the proper color. Some laughed, and some already cried. A lot has already been established. Test your knowledge of the Sitcom by filling in the blanks or guess who said what.

"It is not legit if it is not what I want to do."
Who has already broken a bike and had to be picked up?
"It is January, right? Explain why we are doing threshold work."
"This footage could be used in commercials for our sponsors." (hint 4:03)
"He already has me beat. There were three bike lengths, and I knew if I closed that little gap there would be a huge one by the time we made it to the sign. I am throwing in the towel, and this is the first training ride of the year."
"I hope Froze Toes is just like this. There will be carnage." (raining, windy and mid-30s)
"Shottler broken chain, 0. Butthead broken chain, 1."
"You have to follow that. I would have but I was boxed in."

Based on the first weekend, this will be my view for the year ahead: blurry and off the back.

Rolling Sitcom: What comes first the chicken or the sponsors?

2010-01-13T20:13:00.001-06:00

Drink Review and Prized Possessions

2010-01-06T13:04:00.008-06:00

Malta India is the worst drink I have ever tried, and unfortunately it came in an 8 pack. It tastes like watered carbonated molasses to promote calf growth, not that I would know. I hoped to pawn some off at the state cross race, but Benji was the only person who could drink it and even managed to polish off a bottle with a smile. It is so bad it reminded me of the time a high school classmate ate a piece of poop wrapped in BigRed for a case of cheap beer. Avoid this drink -- and poop-- even for a case of beer.On a different note since it is the season to exchange gifts, I received a signature model Vans Cab shoe autographed by the man in 97'. This is by far one of the coolest things ever given to me. How does one get such a thing? Well my brother-in-law was dumpster diving after a couple broke up in his apartment complex and found them. The female threw out the guy's gear including the shoes, old decks and other assorted stupid relationship stuff like stuffed animals. How could someone stoop so low to toss out gear or give someone a stuffed animal? I immediately told Chula that if she ever threw away these shoes or any of my gear and left me, I would rid her of all troubles and hang myself. If these are your shoes, drop me a line and they will be gladly returned, if you tell me the size and where they were tossed. If not, I will be buried in these shoes.

Operation: No Trainer

2009-12-30T10:37:00.002-06:00

fIREHOSE and Natas

2009-12-26T07:49:00.001-06:00

Beef jerky and coffee for breakfast and every fIREHOSE album twice before noon.

My holidays are done

2009-12-22T11:16:00.003-06:00

The annual holiday party is in the books. Little baby Jesus was riding a reindeer outside. I am sure he made an appearance on the dance floor which I did not get to grace with the worm and windmill or work the turn tables like Julia. The non-race finished out my holiday season way better than sitting at home. Wonder what our state and government is keeping and kept in those bunkers?

Rolling Sitcom: Training Camp Room Mates

2009-12-15T13:57:00.003-06:00

Skills

2009-12-14T19:11:00.001-06:00

I used to think EP had all the bike skills. Now it is a group of Chinese girls.

Junkie

2009-12-11T11:57:00.006-06:00

I am a coffee junkie going to bed in anticipation of waking up to have coffee. I am not a coffee snob. One of my favoite cold forging drinks from the C stores scattered around rural Missouri: redneck mocha - 1/2 cup shitty coffee and 1/2 cup of shitty hot chocolate. Several years ago I was introduced to roasting my own coffee. My parents did it when they were growing up, and why did we pass this simple task on to someone else? The process is simply ordering green beans (which can be stored for 2-5 years) and roasting them in one of these for starters, then upgrading to this. Roast date? Today. The roast can be controlled to ensure fresh taste and flavor. Brewing methods vary for us. Sometimes the French press, simple as it gets. Other times the expresso pot is loaded. Stop by for a few cups, and we can chat about all the cool things people used to do but started paying someone else to do for no good reason, like this (another story).